Dear Mr Lardy-dardy,

I am Chief security uberlieutenant at the Hillsborough football stadium. Me and my lads are an iron fist in a sandpaper glove, let me tell you; we don’t allow any nonsense here. But now a new and evil development is threatening the peace and security that we traditionally oversee.

Towards the end of last season something called a “con-ga” started to break out on the Kop, almost certainly started by those disaffected lefty types who are usually behind this kind of thing. Over the close season I’ve done everything I can do to stop a repeat of those disgraceful scenes this season. I’ve put a rocket up yon noisy band, given my stewards SAS (Stop All Singing ) level training and even suggested a dollop of pre-match superglue on the seats on the Kop. But I still can’t be sure – what can I do?

Sergeant Major Nesbit

Dear “Snowman” Nesbit,

I usually find that the answer to everything comes down to the pastry. Why not stock the snack stall with double dough intensity balti pies, complete with a shot of mogadon in the filling. That way people don’t want to dance and even if they want to they won’t be able to shift. Of course, failing that you could just get a life and stop being such a pathetic killjoy. Mind how you go, and watch out for that bollard.

Dear Lardy-Dah,

I have recently moved on from the cruel rainy city of Sheffield and back to beautiful Belgium. Here I find the people are much more kind to me, and I am the most famous man from my country after Hercules Poirot and a man who appeared in a duck costume in Jeux Sans Frontiers.

My problem is that my lovely dogs are still held prisoner in a top securityboarding kennel somewhere near Ougthibridge. Your British stuffed-suit bureaucrats say that Chocolate and Chippy entered the country illegally and so are detained there indefinitely until they pleasure her majesty (is that the correct phrase?). How can I get my darlings back?

G de B

Dear Desperate deBilde,

Luckily for you I have an uncle who is a short-crust Chicken and Mushroom in the Home Office canteen and so I have been able to pull some strings for you. However I could only strike a deal whereby what you get back of your dogs is in direct proportion to the effort and commitment you gave to Sheffield Wednesday. So any day soon expect the postman to arrive with a load of old dogs bollocks.

Dear Lardy,

Hello me old mate, just wondered if you’d heard the good news? In addition to my regular salary of seven square meals a day and my body weight in chips at the weekend, Peter Shreeves has given me the coaching role he says my skills deserve. There now, what do you reckon to that?

Kevin Lovey,

Now just put down that sandwich and listen. Looks to me like there’s been a bit of a breakdown in communication here. Apparently what Shreevesy actually said was that you deserve a couch and a roll. Still, on the bright side it’s a very comfy couch and the roll is beef dripping and anchovy. Ne’er mind eh – fancy a burger?