Kevin was a sturdy goalie;
Some would call him roly-poly.
Yet his skill was not in question –
few would dare make that suggestion.
Even so things got quite sticky
When fans all took the mickey;
shouts of “ who ate all the pies?”
made him conscious of his size.

Watch the squad in chattering bunches,
Queuing for their pre-match lunches;
chicken kiev pizza slices, apple pie or choice of ices.
Here comes Kev, keeps us guessing;
“one small salad, hold the dressing”
Then resolved to do or die,
Walks straight pass that apple pie.

Poor old Kevin’s on a diet,
Wouldn’t like to have to try it;
eating all that stuff he oughta, celery and mineral water.
Kevin dreams of coffee gateau
Fish and chips and vin de chateau
Dripping cakes and cherry flan –
And nibbles lettuce leaves, poor man.

Just as Kevin’s getting thinner
Beni asks him round to dinner.
Alla casa dei Carbone
There is bread and minestrone.
Something made with cream al pollo
Tiramisu then to follow;
More wine is poured, all goes quiet,
Kevin’s stuffed, and so’s his diet.

Kevin’s still a solid chappie,
But he’s quite laid back and happy;
Mickey taking he can handle
dieting’s not worth the candle.
From Southampton to Newcastle,
He saves shots and it’s no hassle.
Kevin please don’t lose an ounce, lest if you fall
you fail to bounce!